As I slowly and rapidly reach the end of my time here in Spain, I want to be able to express what has been going on here as best as I can. I know I said I would be posting more poetry but my heart is going absolutely bananas with a little more than a few stanzas right now. It seems to me that every time I try and write a blog I can't really seem to get any one specific thing to come up because there is just SO much going on ALL the time and now there is more than I ever saw coming. These past 4 1/2 months have been the most trying and fruitful in my life to date and I really just want to keep pressing the accelerator and really go full on balls to the wall into His crazy stupid love for us. The pace for my walk with God has truly been set as one where I never ever want to look back and absolutely want to keep moving forward as much as He will let me.
G42 is an environment of exceptional character development, excellence in passion and an absolute ocean of truth and love. Those things said, it has really taken me a lot to get to the place where I understand how much God has blessed me to be here and to be doing just what I am doing. He sent me somewhere that allows His Spirit to absolutely push me to my limits and then realize that my limits don't actually exist the way I thought they did. My eyes keep getting reopened to newness as my mind gets blown by how much more of Him there is to get to know. I keep learning things I had no idea I needed to learn and it is always SO good. It is so incredible to know that God, the King of all Kings and Lord of all Lords loves me so much and wants to be in a relationship with me. The fact that He even lets me say His name is against all logic but He flies past all understanding and chooses to love us relentlessly. What a lunatic!
These revelations are things I have heard fly past my ears and over my head my entire life but I know that my heart has been waiting to actually absorb it and live it since before I had the first breath in my lungs. Man oh man, He is blessing me so much with His thoughts, His heart, His poetic nature, His perfect character, His unfailing grace... it has just taken me so long to grab a hold of it all. He continues to show me more and more of who He is every day and I am so baffled that I get to hold His hand as He shows me and guides me through the fullness of life. Good gravy, I'm pretty sure He's nuts, but He is so nuts about us that the craziness is just more proof to me that He is wildly in love with everybody!
Knowing that my Dad is a madman for His kids in this beyond blessed family only makes me want Him more and more. The thing about wanting from Him, however, is being willing to ask and willing to receive what He's got to hand to you. I have had a lot of issues with letting Him show me and give me just what He's always had for me, but lately I have been more open handed and open hearted than I ever really thought I could be. My Spirit is going so berserk with this madness that I really was needing some sort of tangible thing to understand just the goodness of this craziness... and it turns out that my Spirit needed some meat.
About 3 1/2 years ago, God really kick started my relationship with Him and I simultaneously started living a vegetarian lifestyle. I was so sick of the way meat made me feel after I ate it that I didn't really feel like eating it anymore. Even through the World Race and beyond, I somehow maintained my vegetarian lifestyle and never really got too phased by the idea of never really eating any meat again. The other day, however, I was absolutely yearning for more of God and really being thrust into a ruthless relationship with Him. I asked a good friend to pray for me and she actually recognized the hunger in my Spirit to just know more and more about my Father. After this hunger was recognized, I was walking around town when I heard Jesus clearly say 'you should probably go eat some chicken'. I thought about it for maybe 5 seconds, walked straight to my house and ate meat for the first time in 3 1/2 years.
As my housemates watched me eat in awe, I knew that something was sparked in my Spirit that had never been ignited before. A series of very wild and unexpected events started to pop up that focused my eyes on Him more and more until He revealed something to me that absolutely blew my mind. When I started following Him 3 1/2 years ago, I was being lead by a whim and few prayers but I really had no idea what I was doing. I was drinking milk (and eating vegetables) but I knew all along that I had not been fully released into indulgence of His love for us and I could not digest the solid food He had for me to eat. I was yearning for Him but I wasn't ready until I was open to receive His love and willing enough to faithfully ask for more of it. I finally got to the point where the desire and the hunger far outweighed the life of not having more of Him and He filled me with solid food!
This seemingly small event in my time here on earth is actually the benchmark of something huge- taking in the fullness of God's love and never ever looking back. My Spirit was craving something so much more than what I was used to wallowing around in and He has delivered more than exactly what I needed. God blows my mind every second of every day but I am blessed and honored to say that He is giving me way more than vegetables. Hallelujah! He is so beyond good to us. Praise the Lord!!!
My last post, as uninformative as it was, was the honest truth. Transformation has been happening but the description was hard to conglomerate as a whole. I did not really know how to characterize what I've been trudging through for the last couple of months and I have had quite a few run ins with a tied tongue in the fascinating field of self expression. Funny thing is, I have been trying to reach from the source of my previous heart heavy cascades and did not think that with change would come a new form of poignant communication and I definitely didn't expect what has all so recently showed up.
A few of the visiting professors have brought something new to the table this term: true individualistic outpourings of passion.We have had a few assignments to actually get us to write the truth that is lying upon all of our hearts (presentations, poetry, psalms etc.) and I have become so inclined to start writing on my own terms. It's not like I am sitting around, constantly crying and scrawling everything I am feeling but it seems more that the pulse of my own spirit is really starting to shape it's rhythm and isn't shy to show its face. It's weird to say, but the more I write, the more free I become and the more I really start to understand the poetry of Christ's heart for me. I don't really know what to do other than run with it... so this is just a short example of something that burst forth the other day.
Why would you choose to rescue me?
I am but a loud gulp that resounds so loud in my mind but is so quite to you.
My heart is one of such desperation- my hands are held out so high and my arms do their best to stretch farther than they can reach
I shake knowing just how much you know about me
I quiver knowing that I will never again have to question the state of my security in you
It's insane to know that I don't ever need to worry again
Because your arms are wrapped around me
And there is no place safer for me to be
You look into my eyes and mine swell with tears as I never want to run from this place
And I don't want to seek refuge in another life
And I don't want to slide into comfort and lose the fantastic challenges of romance
Just hold me- please don't let me go.
I will share some more soon. Something new is being brought to light.
Oh me! It has been a full 31 days since I last wrote all of you. This past month has been quite a difficult one for me. Truth be told, I really didn't know how to describe to all of you what has been going on until the last few days. Don't fret, all is well, I am just transitioning through something big.
It is still tough to really describe but I will let you know that I am going to be fasting for an undecided amount of time. God is already blessing me and bringing so much clarity within just a few days and I am eager to see what's coming. Life has really been happening over here and new breath is ready to enter my lungs (and hey, I turned 24 on March 27th!!).
Since I don't feel as though I can really fully give you a big picture answer quite yet- I found this song that rhythmically describes what I feel like right now. Enjoy and I will write again soon!
Man, I miss having an empty blog space sometimes. I look at the blank white page that I get to expand upon and it kind of makes me excited. Even if I have no idea what I'm going to write about I find great peace in knowing and celebrating that I have no clue what I'm doing most of the time.
The greater aspect of it, however, is really being so satisfied in being completely dunderheaded and clueless but somehow in the know because I trust Jesus and the wonderful Spirit that He has so freely given me. I have spent so much time absorbing a pre-conceived sense of panic that was sat on my shoulders by all sorts of different crafty tricks Satan manipulatively matriculated around me and frankly, I don't really want to waste my time obsessing about little things He does when the never-ending greatness of the King lives and dwells within me. Man, it is so FREEING to rest in my faith with hope for the future and knowing that I am loved endlessly and unconditionally. I could've heard people say that 10,000,000 times but until I really believed it, I was a self-reliant blowhole who's thoughts were a constant sound barrier for the resounding gong of truth.
If I am losing you or just making you roll your eyes a little, I'm actually quite joyful about that. Jesus understands me even if I sound a little crazy and I am finally grasping the concept that I am free to be clueless and faithful at the same time. I will be glad to go wherever and do anything because I know Jesus will be with me. He is the same yesterday, today and forever and knowing that I have a perfect Savior within me is more than enough for me to absolutely float in freedom. He is too good to trust in anything else so why would I be disinclined to follow Him?
Whether I sound like I've lost my marbles or not, I know that Jesus has me taken care of and that is all I really need to know. Don't start thinking I'm going to turn my brain off and turn into a vegetable who rocks back and forth in the fetal position, just know that I trust Jesus and put all of my marbles into His jar. I'm sold out for the heart who took everything for all of us and loves me and thinks of me more than the grains of sand. Why would I question that?
Only the Lord knew it- but cutting out all the b.s. so that Jesus could speak His truth to all of you seemed to have more of an impact than I could've expected. To see that your hearts are still following and eager to grow speaks leaps and bounds to my heart. I love it and Jesus is rocking us all!
With the b.s. out of my mind and hopefully out of yours, I have something so awesome-blossom to share with all of you and I hope you will ride the wave with me. What then, you ask, am I talking about? The re-introduction and divine placement of the power of compassionate and loving touch back into my hands and the lives of those around me! (uh, what?) Jesus has given me back the ability to send electric crazy love back to anyone who needs it - especially through intentionally loving and ruthless laying on of hands. Finally, my massage license isn't just for looking good in a frame on the mantlepiece. It's becoming real again and I'm pretty pumped up about it!
Now to some of you, this may sound slightly strange or maybe even a little awkward and to some people here it really is pretty dang awkward. The thing is, I'm not really going for making people uncomfortable, but to allow others to see that there is physical freedom in Christ and that a very common fear of touch is not something that will always hold us back from His love. I've always known that there was something special about my hands and I've always seen God do amazing things when you recognize just how much love He can send through a touch on someone's shoulder.
When I try to think about it, I think of Song of Solomon and the different stories of lovers and Solomon's Savior. Solomon is in great celebration of the loving name and hands of our Father in Heaven. God gave us compassion, He gave us touch and He gave me the understanding of massage! It's not just for a boost of feelings and endorphins- you relax when touched because it is an avenue of love that can have no sexual connotation. Think of the times you touched someone when they were hurt or hugged someone when they struggled with reality. Just think of Christ using you to lay a peaceful hand on their heart and bring clarity to their spirit. What great things we can do when our heart is for love!
When you recognize the origins of touch and see that it was made for love, for peace and for pure and supernatural compassion, you will see just how free Jesus made you to be. There is so much more for me to express and to learn about touch but now I want you to think about the last time you hurt yourself. Did you stare at it or did you touch your injury? When your children fall to the ground do you yell at them or do you hold them and comfort them? What if you let Christ do the same for you?
For those of you who have decided to tune out of my blogs (yeah, I'm calling you out), that's your choice. I started to feel quite a stir in my spirit when I saw that upon my return to the states and my venture to Spain that my readers have stopped reading. I couldn't help but begin to wonder if what I am doing out here has turned you away from wanting to continue to spiritually invest in my future. I want all of you to feel as though you are still connected to it all in some way. After some investment into what God was exuding through my spirit, I came to the conclusion that I need to be B.S. Free.
I'm not over here in Europe having a six month vacation where I go to some "liberal/grade free" school that has nothing to do with "real-life". I'm not farting around, taking my sweet old time to do as I please and eventually I'll be standing on my two feet. This place isn't some sort of joke that I just wanted to go and hang out in. Truth be told, this place is bringing out the rawest of the raw and I'm NOT here for NOTHING.
Now I know not all of you think I'm wasting my time but I just knew something needed to be said for those of you who just might have that notion tickling in your mind. G42 has already kicked my butt up and down in just 2 weeks and I don't like being pigeon-holed into a place of "world-traveler" or "you got bitten by the travel bug". I believe I'd much rather be seen as someone who is here following the call of Christ within them. In all honesty, I don't want to sit in a comfortable place in America and sell out for the American dream. There is no security in a life of mediocrity and no space for faith in myself anymore. I'm open and constantly vulnerable but I am no longer going to accept the lives of others to be the rules in my own life. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to make you think the same way, I just want to seize the love and power God has stored in all of us and send a tornado of the Holy Spirit throughout the world. It's time for the real truth to be told and G42 is ripping it straight out of me.
Some of you may think that because I'm not standing in rural Africa that I'm not worth following anymore, some may be offended and some of you may choose not to read about my life too much anymore... but I know God is taking care of you with my words or not. He is madly in love with us because He is Love... and we can't ask for anything more than that. Jesus is radical and this life is a gift that we don't deserve in the least little bit. I'm not going to settle for wambi-bambi-pambi nothing of drifting from emotion to emotion and success to success- I want to hear the praise of the Lord on the lips of all.
I don't know if you've figured it out yet but I'M IN SPAIN! I've been here for a couple of days and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm on a new continent, in an awesome house and best of all- I'm finally back in community. I know that this is exactly where the Lord wants me to be right now but I've got to tell you, getting here was extremely challenging.
When I posted my last blog I was really struggling with the realization that my future was really upon me. The small world I've been living in and the big world I've been dreaming about seemed like they were both about to collide with one another. This new season in Spain is designed to bring radical love and thunderous truth into the reality of my calling and it was really making me nervous. To be completely raw, I didn't know if I could wholeheartedly trust God to provide for my passion and set it into motion.
These ideas seemed like an ocean that I was going to start drowning in. I really invested heavily into praying and almost became ponderous with how much I was thinking about the consequences of my complete and total trust in the Lord. I was so scared... but I wasn't really scared of anything worth being scared of. I was so worried that I couldn't do it. I was so nervous that I wasn't capable. I I I I I... what about Him?
My self had gotten to the front lines, satan had clouded my vision and I was relying and looking in every direction except within and up. God was missing from my equation and I mostly saw Him as an outside factor in the life and stirring that He gave me. I looked beyond Him instead of trusting Him and His seat right in front of me. I let my state of panic and nerves take the driver's seat and really almost forgot to let Christ be everything in my life.
As I now sit here in this seat in Europe in a new place for the next six months, I ask that you really pray for my mind to be so sanctified and comforted by resting in the here and now. I don't want to be afraid and I don't want to get so lost in the future that I forgot to let Jesus be my all and truly put a lamp unto my feet. I need all of you to pray for me and I want to pray for all of you. You are more of a part of this than you will ever know and my blogs only give me a glimpse of how so much of your love got me here today.
Man, it has been a while since I've written to y'all! Jesus has been doing some incredible things in the world around me in the last month, so much so that I think I might just sit on the ground with my mouth hanging open like a big-mouth bass. I am so blessed to see so many phenomenal occurrences in so many different places and in so many different lives and I am not really sure how to sum it all up. God is truly amazing and I don't think the thesaurus has enough adjectives for just how many things He is to me and to all of us.
I have really been hard pressed, however, to really ask for a lot of prayer into my future at the 42nd Generation aka G42 in Spain from all of you. Stepping into that school and learning from those people is putting me into a place where I am going to start being prepared for my future and for my calling in life. Jesus is about to put me into a learning environment unlike any I have ever been in before and I am not really 100% certain what I am getting myself into. I have never heard a discouraging word about that place but I am mildly anxious about entering a lifestyle that is really geared to getting me off of my butt and into the future God has truly laid out for me.
As these ideas of really going and setting out for the race He has planned for my feet really start to set in, it all starts to seem too real to actually be real. To think that by this time next year I could actually be living and working in Los Angeles seems like a dream that is going to be just that: a dream. I know my heart wants to trust that it will happen but my flesh seems a lot like a big rubber chicken that wants to flop in a safe place and not take the risk of really going out and grabbing onto what He's got waiting for me.
This next season in my life is going to be so awe-inspiring but I need you to pray for my heart and my willingness to trust that God is going to provide for me. I want to not just hitch my wagon to Jesus but fully recognize that He is sitting right next to me and is never going to let me go and ride alone. Please, don't hesitate to pray for me. I need you!
